Happy

Happy? Yes I am some of the time.

In spite of my recent bad news, Gina and I had a lovely family Christmas with our two sons and their partners. There was lots of happiness, laughter, discussion, enjoyable meals and willing cooks and bottle-washers. It was all very relaxing and “right”, as these times always do when there is a strong sense of your loved one’s lives continuing to move in good directions.

Two days before New Year, my friend Clive joined me for a tough walk up to Red Tarn, Helvellyn. I had no ambition to reach the top, knowing that was beyond me now, but I did want to stand at the lakeside, just at the snowline and see before me once again the magnificent ridges and headwall, plastered in snow and ice. This has been the source of many adventures year-round in the distant and recent past. To be at that place again and remember, was enough, especially on a brilliant winter’s day with clouds grazing the tops and sun slanting across snow fields. Happy!

My legs were shattered on the way down, almost unable to bear my weight. I have been here before, in July 2010 backpacking in Wasdale and in November 2013, in Buttermere, just before my illness struck. The disease has been slowly weakening my leg strength for years without my noticing it. Only with hindsight, is it possible to understand those two earlier episodes and now, I have to adjust to the fact that my big hill-climbing days, in a snow gully with ice-axe, crampons, are probably beyond me. But that’s ok. There is still so much that I can do, with Clive and with Gina on wheelchair walks that are beautiful and satisfying.

My legs are now ok after several days’ rest. Not so my right foot which flared up in the days to follow the big walk. Diagnosis? Gout! What a laugh. Check bottle of 5 year old port. Still unopened. Check quantities of capons, game pies and sack consumed at the Falstaff Inn recently. Nil. A form of reactive arthritis, my GP calls it. In the grand scheme of things, it’s a transient and a small problem.

Where next? To Newcastle to see my renal oncologist on January 15th, that’s where. Looking forward to it. Gina will come with me. With difficult news to absorb, the solution is always the same. Get to the point where you know your treatment options and get on with them asap.

In the meantime, don’t be swayed too much by serious reportage and mournful poetry. They are only part of what I am and what I feel. Sometimes I do feel happy.